Showing posts with label black love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label black love. Show all posts


the black love crisis - conclusion

greetings, beloveds. we hope you enjoyed the "black love crisis" series.  ten weeks is a goodly time to prove a point, don'tcha think?

so, is there really a crisis of black love? in some ways, yes. there are problems and deep wounds; there is pain and mistrust.  we must acknowledge and reckon with the difficult in order to effectively and deeply heal ourselves and our community.

however, we hope that by echoing the voices of some black women -- voices of reason, caring, light and abundance for all -- we have offered a glimpse into something beyond the media hype.

we encourage you to keep searching and discussing in your own circles. keep reaching for new ways of living and loving.

keep questioning. keep evolving.

in loving solidarity,

~::~ ms. bliss ~::~


the black love crisis (9)

super hussy to the rescue!

glad she chimed in, 'cause that was a necessary voice.


the black love crisis (8)

over at the black youth project, fallon had a thing or three to say about the state of the single black woman.

read on...
Perhaps, someone who has a glimmer of common sense  Hill Harper, Steve Harvey, or Kevin Powell should write a how-to-book with colorful pictures teaching black men how to become unconventional/atypical black men . . . the kind of man who allows a black woman to be herself . . . the kind [of] man who does not mentally masturbate with black feminist heterosexual women, but who wants a lifetime of memories with her (yep, that’s my personal gripe). . . the kind of black man who believes “iron sharpens iron, she will make a better black man out of me” . . . the kind of man who will endure many years of psycho therapy to understand his emotions so that he can be an emotionally available father and husband...

However...this blog is about black men and Nightline understanding why some black women “choose” to be single because we are not willing to acquiesce to the cow dung—black male privilege. We are not willing to settle for black men who are not emotionally available irrespective if he wears a “blue collar,” a “white collar,” or a “green job collar.”

doesn't get much plainer than that, y'all.


the black love crisis (7)

problem chylde uses a piece of sparkle's post to frame a statement on her personal journey towards a deeper understanding of perfect love.

keep cross-posting and talking, beloveds. let's open our hearts and minds so we can share in the abundance we all deserve.


the black love crisis (6)

m. dot's thoughts on beyonce's relationship to the perpetuation of dysfunctional black relationships.

she takes you on a ride, so quoting outta context wouldn't be sufficient...we suggest heading on over to racialicious to check it out in its entirety.


the black love crisis (5)

the beautiful struggler does a good job of approaching the issue from a media savvy standpoint while noting the fact that only about 43% of black men are married {compared to about 42% of black women} without that being a "crisis" at all.

she also asks the question:
...why is it that while Black women have used these new media outlets as the opportunity to be self-reflective and discuss Black female issues, while our brothers seem more willing to write over and over again about what’s wrong with Black women or tell us how we can be good enough for them? I’m certainly not discounting the necessity of guy advice for women on dating men; girlfriends often give the worst “wisdom” to other women about what men want or need. But why does it seem that most online writings about the challenges facing Black love seem to have to do with what Black women are doing wrong? And while sisters are pushing back at Nightline, why aren’t we asking a little more from the brothers we interact with on a regular basis? Why aren’t we asking Black men to confront their demons, their issues and the things they have done that have contributed to the decline in Black love. [hyperlink added]

good questions, dontcha think?

tamara winfrey harris also deals with the media spin in her piece over at
And let's examine the high-achieving black woman marriage 'crisis,' the narrative that chafes me the most. This narrative harps on the fact that some professional black women have trouble finding partners, which puts a willfully negative spin on what could actually be a positive story. We're talking about high-achieving black women with academic and professional success, who also happen to be single and child-free. We could be wondering what's right with these women that allowed them to find success in a society where the odds are stacked against them. What can we learn from black girls, for instance, that can help us raise black boys to equal rates of education and success? Instead, we devote ink and film to discovering what's wrong with these women that they don't have an Mrs. to go with their PhDs.
would love to hear what y'all think, beloveds. see y'all in the comments section!


the black love crisis (4)

our dear friend sparkle has also weighed in on the conversation. why we love her take?

nobody that i know of, with the exception of the ladies at crunk feminist collective, has mentioned that queer (by queer i mean lesbians, bisexual, pan/omnisexual, trans, intersex) self-identified black women aren’t considered in this conversation. again: we are not a monolith. you can’t have this conversation without considering the fact that the women being discussed are hetero, cisgender (not trans women — trans ppl are invisible in virtually every conversation about marriage, and just about everything else), & at the very least hold bachelor’s degrees. because ppl who don’t finish college don’t matter in this conversation, no matter what they’re doing w/ themselves, unless it’s to count them as undesirables. further, who’s to say that marriage is everyone’s goal or ideal? it could be argued that “we aren’t talking about those people,” but if that’s the case then it must be stated so from the onset of each conversation regarding unmarried black women of certain income levels and sexual orientations. period. know your audience.

...and that's just the third paragraph.

read on, beloveds!.


the black love crisis (3)


whew...sorry, y'all. had to let that out.

the crunk feminist collective broke that fully down!  thanks, y'all!


the black love crisis (2)

dr. cooper's huffington post article is about the best article we've seen thus far on the "single black woman crisis". why? for this:
At the same time, those Black women who make a concerted effort not to male bash, ever-attendant to the social plight of black men, begin the harsh internal dialogue about dealing with our daddy issues, confronting our self-esteem problems, conquering debt, accepting the fact that our stock might be lower because we have children, making sure we have the qualities of good submissive Biblical helpmeets. And the list goes on.

Rarely have I heard anyone say to Black men that they need to deal with their daddy issues, which they most assuredly have if the statistics on absentee fatherhood are even nominally true, or that they should confront their self-esteem problems, which plays out for them often through a range of unproductive, casual relationships. In both scenarios, Black women erroneously accept personal responsibility for what is ultimately a social problem, generations in the making.

she continues:

Third, let's seriously rethink our investments in a patriarchal gender role system that harms black families in multiple ways. Patriarchy makes women feel guilty for prioritizing careers alongside parenting and men feel less masculine for taking an active role in the home. It makes men feel insecure when women earn more money and causes women to overlook brothers who are good providers, perhaps not financially, but emotionally and parentally.

Patriarchy causes men to devalue the importance of being an emotional partner and companion, which is often what women who are financially and professionally secure desire in relationships.

which is a much better way of stating what we were getting at here. bravo, dr. cooper!

lola adesioye also chimed in, mirroring our own annoyance with the recent media blitz:
I am somewhat perturbed by the slew of stories on this topic. They are negative, unhelpful and only serve to perpetuate negative ideas about black men and women which often become self-fulfilling.
granted, there is some unexamined class stuff floating around here, driving home the paradoxical position of class in the black community.  both a dividing line and a life-jacket, class often separates us from one another while ensuring survival for others.

still, it's good to see folks challenging the growing image of the pitiful black professional woman.  keep at it, ladies!


the black love crisis*

we came across this gem on single black male via twitter**.

first, we'd like to applaud "veronica" and "bahama" for their comments. right on for illustrating the possibilities of a partnership model!

but the main question the blog raises is this: with all the things black folks have to work through in their intimate relationships - from within and without - is operating within these rigid gender roles really the ultimate way to repair our hearts and homes, particularly when those roles are not necessarily reflective of our original culture, values and history?

in this 21st century world where women are {blessedly} able to educate themselves to their heart's delight and pursue their ambitions while single or partnered, is it a bad thing that we need more in a partner/mate than the ability to bring home the bacon and "wear the pants"?  why aren't men doing more questioning around who they were taught to be? 

furthermore, when entering what we hope is meant to be an egalitarian, intimate relationship between two consenting adults, why are we ever concerned with who's leading who instead of discerning who has the necessary skills, gifts and life experience in a particular area, and working out their lives around that?

in case you missed the memo, sexism hurts us all.

when we subscribe to these sorts of rules, standards, and assumptions without question - and, even accounting for humor, the level of assumption here is simply astounding - followed by disdain for those who question that acceptance, we turn women into barefoot, pregnant portraits of intellectual and emotional frustration destined to couple with  preening, self-important peacocks of men convinced they have the right to the big piece of chicken {we kid} and to rule with an iron fist {not so funny}.

wouldn't it be a joy to couple with a focus on aligning minds, hearts and destinies? what would happen if we were allowed to be our whole selves, regardless of gender?

why not a world with nurturing, intellectually brilliant working mothers who will raise equally brilliant babies?  and there's certainly nothing wrong with a man who can routinely cook, clean, change a diaper and still put a righteous cap in someone's ass for stepping to his fam.

now, we are not denying that men and women are different. however, we do question the way these differences have been upheld and reinforced in societal contexts to the detriment of women and children, the unearned privilege inherent in maleness and masculine identification, and the artificial imposition of these {largely western european} norms on people of african descent.

beloveds: do what works for you. know what you need. learn to be the best partner you can be.  how much of a "woman" or "man" you are in the eyes of a culture with a dysfunctional lens in such matters should be the least of your worries.

if we can let the arbitrary notions go, maybe we'll all get a little closer to the love we deserve and make the world a little better in the process.

*considering all the recent lamentations around the state of black womanhood and the dismal prospects for {a particular definition of} black love in general, this may will become a series. every friday, we'll be posting "alternative" viewpoints on black love.  follow us on twitter to get the latest & greatest.

**this is not a blog we frequent, so this commentary isn't meant to be a damning indictment of all their content.  e.g., a quick search yielded this, so obviously the brothas have a sense of humor about themselves, too {questionable criteria for the "simp" and the "effeminate" notwithstanding...}.