sexism hurts us all.

at first, your dear proprietress was quite skeptical about the delights of twitter, but she's discovered that people are always posting the most thought provoking things...

tonight, there was this list.

now, while there were some cringe-worthy moments {see: #9's quote and most of #10} it's not too bad. much of this list details the basics of just about any healthy relationship between two people.

that said, *unsheathes claws*...

it's understood that the blog is geared towards women, but targeting this list solely at the wife raises an eyebrow. why not just "how to superglue a marriage", period?

it also would have been nice to find something in the introductory paragraph like, "...and, husbands, don't forget to do this with your wives!" vs. the straight-outta-cosmo, "Below are 20 ways to help you superglue your marriage, and to stay your man’s number one choice." hell, if more men learned to do those same 20 things, more marriages would indeed be superglued, right?

this whole thing put us in mind of this list, which some of you may have seen floating around the internet. there are glimmers of it within the "20 ways", but let's give the author the benefit of the doubt and assume that even she would find the postwar do's and don'ts a bit extreme.

however, both raise similar issues.

at worst, making women the primary scapegoats for what happens in their marriages and other intimate relationships--covertly or overtly--is one of the most salient ways sexism/sexist ideology harms those relationships. it can also serve as a justification for intimate violence.

given the social and cultural cues that most men are raised with and/or absorb in this culture, adding the idea that men are infallible pillars of authority and dominance is dangerous. and for anyone who knows what anti-oppression work looks like, the whole shebang is full of questionable power dynamics {refusing sex "works both ways", but this list doesn't??}.

at best--which, in this case, basically amounts to the non-abusive manifestation--men act out a false sense of superiority and wind up alone, wondering why they can't find a "good woman". women that tire of being single can often shut down and stifle significant parts of themselves to "make it work".

no one is always right.
no one is always wrong.

if the "20 ways" work for you and yours, great! goodness knows we've used a tactic or five. plus, the whole site is obviously targeted towards a demographic a bit dissimilar {ok. probably on the other side of the street...} from the one we cater to here at the shack. we can agree to disagree.

but, ultimately, love's gotta be a 2-way street, and any relationship lacking reciprocity is an unnecessary drain of energy, light and bliss.