isn't this delicious?

it's just sex features paintings made by couples making love.

taking care of business

recently, a three year old article linking oral sex to throat cancer resurfaced and got twitter all aflutter. 

without repeating some of the ridiculousness that emerged in our timelines, here's a summary of what's known:

there are about 100 different strains of HPV, and exposure is common. out of those 100 strains, about 30 can be sexually transmitted, but not all of these lead to what we commonly think of as herpes or cancerous cells.

one way to reduce risk of transmission during vaginal oral sex is to use a dental dam. about.com has some basic instructions on how to make one. for fellatio, condoms are helpful, but not as effective as they are for preventing some other STIs, as the epigee article points out.*

so, enjoy your dessert...but do so responsibly.

take care, beloveds!


*as always, we remind you that we aren't doctors/nurses/etc...just sharing information as we find it.  check in with a trusted health care provider/professional as needed for the best, most current information.

sex work, migration, and anti-trafficking

it's always more complicated than we think it is...

in this interview, two women critically discuss the intersections of sex work and migration.

from nandita sharma:

Basically, there is a fundamental disagreement between those who want to end sex work and those who want to make sex work safer for women. The fundamental disagreement is whether or not women have the right to engage in sex work. Most people in the anti-trafficking camp believe that there is no way that women can ever engage in sex work without being fundamentally exploited. I disagree with that, as do most sex workers’ organizations. Most of them point out that sex work can be made safer, can be made more dignified – and the way to do that is to stop demonizing those who are engaged in it. Along with decriminalizing sex work, we can support union organizing within the sex industry. [...] We need to understand sex work as one of the options available to women in a capitalist economy. We need to work, and sex work is a viable option for many women.

Ultimately, if we want to end the exploitation of women, we need to challenge capitalism, which is the basis for all of our exploitation.

from jessica yee:

First, a meaningful way to struggle for justice is to actually work with sex workers. Take their lead, just like you would with any other ally-based movement. Second, we have to address people’s great unwillingness to talk about sex and sexuality more generally. Without these conversations people will have a difficult time coming to terms with real trafficking and real exploitation.

We need to have frank discussions about sex work, and about sex and sexuality more generally. These topics are particularly taboo in Indigenous communities. This is because colonization is such a real presence for us. And if you’re going to take away a people’s most powerful abilities, you’re also going to take away their sexuality, which is why I think we have members of our own communities who conflate “trafficking” with sex work and assume it is all “bad for women.” We’re in survival mode and trying to keep our communities together, trying to keep our communities free of violence, and ain’t nobody helpin’ us!

this one is full of quotables...we suggest reading it in full in addition to checking out some of the sex work organization links listed on the serious side sidebar.  

keep questioning.

sensual kemet

check this out!

{relatively work safe...material made for tv. found via twitter.}

when sex becomes offensive

{note: slight trigger warning. no graphic content, but discussion of sex offense laws & news articles follow}

well. here's a complex issue for ya...

i think we can all agree on the need to protect folks from pedophiles and rapists. but the lack of nuance in some sex offender laws is in need of examination.

for instance, should ALL statutory rape cases be covered, or only those that are actually non-consensual and/or involve a pattern of behavior? cases like this one are popping up all over the country.

"sexting" is another problematic area. by no means are we condoning bullying or saying it's ok for teens to harm each other sexually, but facing the possibility of being labeled a lifelong "sex offender" over the 21st century version of a slambook is, at the very least, extreme.

so, what's the answer?

do we add this to the long list of reasons comprehensive sex education is sorely needed? 

are we, as usual, using a sledgehammer to hang a portrait? asking the wrong questions? 

if we dealt fully and well with the issue of childhood sexual abuse and abusive behavior in general, how many pedophiles/rapists could we avoid creating? 

cheating. with yourself.

came across this lovely nugget of an article yesterday.  we'll wait while you go read.

...finished? well, allow me to retort.

WHAT??

Just imagining him there in his office on his own, it seemed like the ultimate act of desperation, something you'd only do if you didn't have a partner.

this? still? in 2010?

it's a safe bet that any adult in a long term relationship has had the "is porn cheating?" conversation. but a larger question is: why is fantasy that stays fantasy such a factor?

all things being equal, actual sex-with-someone-else infidelity can be a problem. from the physical ramifications {unplanned pregnancy, disease} to the emotional {loss of trust, stress}, the other partner can be seriously hurt by their mate's choices. not to mention that the process of getting physically--or even emotionally--involved with an outside partner while involved in a perceived-to-be monogamous relationship takes time and effort.

finding internet porn takes almost no effort at all. flashing back to a sexy memory doesn't take much, either.  and neither will give you herpes. 

so you relieve some stress, go home {or to sleep} happy, and everyone's...fine. kind of.

so when did monogamy come to mean colonization of the mind?  and why is masturbation still being coined an "act of desperation" instead of a teaching tool, self pleasure monitor, and/or shared sensual activity? 

oh, right.

well, at least there's a happy ending {pun intended}:

Colin assured Mia that his preference was to be with her and that masturbation was just an act of release when she wasn't around. "Then I showed her that this was something we could do together," Colin says.

Their sex life has improved, and the added benefit is that Mia no longer has to worry about why he's staying late at work. {emphasis added - this is often the difference between a fetish/attachment to porn and a bit of fun}

yay, mia!

here at the shack, one of our mantras is, "know your limits".  if porn is gross, that's ok.  if you consider it cheating, that's ok, too.

our hope, though, is that you will deeply examine how and why you have those attitudes.  question them.  hold them up to the light.  then determine whether or not they're worth holding on to.

the last frontier

sista toldja talks about one of the most prevalent stigmas surrounding sistas and sex.

the word

today's word comes from the ethical slut: a practical guide to polyamory, open relationships & other adventures by dossie easton and janet w. hardy.

We dream of a world where no one is driven by desires they have no hope of fulfilling, where no one suffers from shame for their desires, or embarrassment about their dreams, where no one is starving from lack of sex. We dream of a world where no one is limited by rules that dictate that they must be less of a person, and less of a sexual person, than they have the capacity to be.

We dream of a world where nobody gets to vote on your life choices, or who you choose to love, or how you choose to express that love, except yourself and your lovers. We dream of a time and a place where we will all be free to publicly declare our love, for whoever we love, however we love them.

And may we all look forward to a lifetime of dreams come true.

and let the ch'uch say...

the essence of a jump off

recently, essence magazine had a brotha by the name of jozen cummings blog on their it's a man's world site.

a greek 9.com forum post thankfully retained the original text before it was removed from essence's site:

The Truth About Jump Offs
[original url: http://blog.essence.com/itsamansworld/2009/09/the-truth-about-jump-offs.html]

Welcome to ESSENCE.com's new blog where real men sound off on dating and relationships. Writer and editor Jozen Cummings kicks things off.

It may seem like there is no easier arrangement than the one between a man and his jump-off. Friends with benefits always have to be friends first. Ex-lovers we sleep with from time to time, always come with the drama of a relationship past. But jump-off is the burden free title; there are no ex-jump-offs, no friends-as-jump-offs. Just the jump-off, a woman we sleep with until we’re tired of sleeping with them, or, God forbid, they’re tired of sleeping with us.

Yet, here’s the truth: A jump-off situation takes as much maintenance as any other relationship we have with women. There are things men must do to keep our jump-off happy, and though it may seem like we don’t care about a jump-off, ladies, we care. You’re our jump-off and we wouldn’t want to do anything to mess that up, now would we? In order to ensure this doesn’t happen, I’ve written a list of things men must do to keep a jump-off, well, a jump-off and though it may seem short, it’s no less difficult.

Put It Down: In order to have the privilege of being able to just have sex with a woman — to not have to take her out to eat, or even in public for that matter — we must, at all times, fulfill all her sexual desires. A woman doesn’t want to be a jump-off, even when she knows she is, so how do we change her attitude? We make love to her so good she feels like she’s in an R&B video.

No Favors: Even if a man has a flat tire and a dead cell phone right in front of his jump-off’s residence, he knows he cannot, under any circumstances, ask his jump-off to use her phone. If she notices we’re stranded and asks if we need help, we must lie and say we don’t. It should be said, I hate this rule.

I’m On Her Time: Sex with a jump-off is never scheduled in advance, that’s what dates are for. So when a jump-off says she can’t do it at say the reasonable hour of 10 p.m., but she can do it later, at the unreasonable hour of 2 a.m., oh well. Two o’clock am it is, which makes the next and last rule so difficult.

No Spending the Night at the Jump-off’s Place: If we do decide to roll in at 2 am, we must also be willing to roll out at 4 am (or in some cases, 2:30 am), which is hard because it’s late, and we’re tired too.

So you see, ladies? We care very much about those of you we call our jump-off. I know it may not seem like it, given the title, but trust, we know when a jump-off feels good, we feel good too.

now, while the term "jump off" is pretty lame in and of itself, where does he get off making the rules for everyone?  is this a college primer, or is this for grown folks?

the whole tone of the post implies that the woman is cluelessly getting off, while the man is jumping through all sorts of hoops to maintain the air of casual sex--since everyone knows we're wholly incapable of initiating, maintaining, or controlling that sort of relationship on our own terms, right?  right.

one of the strengths of the ethical slut is its near-mantra that productive, healthy sexual freedom is all about everyone being on the same page. that involves real communication and understanding, no matter how basic the interaction. invite someone to bed more than once, and some conversation's gonna have to come in there somewhere.

put another way, there's nothing wrong with jump offs, friends with benefits, and the like. but no one needs or deserves the sort of blatantly patronizing mess jozen is upholding here.

...and that's just the sex part.

how about the fact that this is essence magazine, which is supposed to provide inspiring, loving messages and images to sistas who rarely get them anywhere else.*  to have this posted in a space where it is presumed that our men would be speaking to us as loving, conscious partners, lovers and brothers makes it all the more unforgivable. 

if these are the "unfiltered perspectives on dating and relationships" of 20-30something black men, then i see why they're single.

i'm not angry at jozen, per se.  i am not aware of any of his other work and never heard of him until now.  but if he could write this with a straight face, then he's clearly doing what he's been taught to do when it concerns women who are perceived as being less valuable sexually. conversely, he's also keeping the fellas dancing around all the intimacy and emotional issues they are already forced to deny and suppress in so many ways.

it's an upholding of the status quo.

still, i would love for him to learn a little more about womanist/feminist theory and the fullness of deeply actualized, total womanhood before he deigns to comment on such matters.


addendum: jo nubian has chimed in on this as well...


*although it's worth mentioning that the heterosexist, euro-aesthetized {where are the clearly nappy headed sistas vs. the straw set/good hair "naturals"??} and judeo-christianized environment leaves out a lot of sistas, too. many of us have either never expected essence to speak for us or left that mold long ago.

putting the love back in revolution

playing with fire

porn is one thing. and just about everyone loves a good parody.

but this {link not work safe} not the cosbys thing seems to be crossing a line...

the least they could have done was consider a parody of a show where all the characters are grown folks, e.g. sanford and son or roc.

aren't there already enough "teen" porn sites out there?

do we really need to play with the idea of pedophilia when childhood sexual abuse is rampant?

is this dangerous in a culture where, even in the 21st century, no one wants to talk about effective, comprehensive, age-appropriate sex education?

we're all for grown folks having grown folks fun, but this feels like something very, very different.

quickie!

dear ones, please do yourself a favor and visit {the not work safe} violet blue's tiny nibbles.

ms. blue is an author and sex educator, and her site is chock full of information on safer sex, toys, and other wonderful tidbits. there's even a blog.

go get you some!

quickie!

hussy red offers an interesting review of the orchid g massager.

what grabbed us was this bit:

Performance wise, I also wasn’t too impressed. I’m always skeptical of hard plastic toys because their mere existence implies that there is only one way for all female-born people to be shaped and sized; that we all have the same assembly-line produced bits ‘n pieces and that they react the same way and do the same things. We all know that what works for you, might not work for me, yet a lot of sex toy manufacturers seem to ignore that fact. Because of this, we wind up with toys like the Orchid G, which seems to suggest that all g-spots are located at the exact same angle. Forever and ever. Amen.

Sigh.

one size fits all (?)

well, it had to come up sometime: does size matter?

the discussion's been had everywhere from casual soirees, internet chat rooms, bachelorette parties and boardrooms.

for those of you that just yelled "yes, dammit!" at the computer screen, you might want to check out lpsg's {definitely not work safe. at all.} resources for the, uh, gifted gentleman.

as luck would have it, it's one of those sites where you need to sign up to have the most fun, and it's not just for the fellas.

once inside, it's pretty easy to see that along with the videos and photo galleries, it's basically a message board/networking site. there are forums specifically for women and one for "healthy penis" discussions. there are also special interest groups ranging from specific fetishes to regional meetups.

before you get all giddy, know that it's a free country, so some of the fellas are quite average. it's also on the pale side. but it definitely does the job of dispelling those myths about our distant caucasian cousins.

happy browsing!

quickie!

a new kind of public service announcement: i am a sex worker.

learn more at sex work awareness.org.

repression, the t-shirt

take a look at this.

the shirts are also mentioned on gawker, but your loving proprietress isn't too fond of the tone over there. try feministing for a better take.

so here's what initially comes to mind:

what happens when you choose to not teach your kids about sex/sexuality in a comprehensive way and they go around saddlebacking instead?

if god is love and god loves us and wants us to love ourselves, what's wrong with enjoying pleasurable feelings on one's own in the absence of marriage and/or a committed partner?

the spiritual nitpicking around what is acceptable and what isn't, which parts of scripture to uphold and which to ignore becomes more telling by the hour.*

on that note, hell, what's wrong with feeling good, period? there are far more pros to masturbation and orgasm--both scientifically and spiritually speaking--than cons.

the sexual force is what spurs creativity, life, and all forms of loving. even a mother's love begins with the sexual act she performed in order to conceive her child.

...don't cringe. it's true. obviously none of us feels the need to envision our parents in that position {and you don't have to!} but one cannot, on the most basic of levels, separate the two. doing so forces a sort of schizophrenia that produces, well, shirts like this.

it is worrisome when a culture or religion relegates masturbation to furtive petting in front of a computer during a late night porn binge. there are volumes of literature from the corners of the world outlining how sexual energy can be used for healing, instruction and enlightenment, making threats of hairy palms and blindness all the more ludicrous.

we're sure that you beloveds will continue your scheduled pleasure sessions without a second thought, but we weep for the children who are being told to keep their hands to--or is it away from?--themselves.



*that link further proves the problems inherent in trying to use a plagiarized, politically edited and deliberately incomplete text as the infallible word of the divine. also problematic is the absence in said text of an initiation system or other specific means of working with said divinity--within or without oneself--beyond the bare minimums of prayer and unexplained endless rules and regulations. but that's another post.

you are normal*. really. we mean it.

note: this blog links to sites containing explicit nudity of the female form and other adult material. click responsibly.

while doing some general web surfing, your devoted proprietress came across sexy labia.com, which contains an article detailing why playboy does not use models with "protruding" labia.

that might also explain why you don't see a lot of non-european women modeling for them, no?

also, while visiting the luminous goddess glory, anti-bra.com was discovered. unfortunately it appears that the pages are no longer updated, but if you've had issues with bras in the past {or have them now}, it's a good place to start researching alternatives.

even your loving author would have thought her girls were horribly droopy and non-compliant had she not been exposed to national geographic at an early age and realized she actually had african-looking breasts. who'd have thought it?

the details surrounding female infantilization and how we're taught what's "normal" for our bodies--not the least of which involves hairless yonis, perfectly taut boobs and safely tucked labia--would take weeks to unravel.

please know that whatever you have, you are normal because your body is your gift. if you're a C on one side and a B on the other and wanna get that dealt with, by all means, do so. just make sure you do it for YOU.

plus, you're grown. barring a bout of alopecia, you're supposed to have hair down there. if you prefer your gateway to heaven bald as a newborn's bottom, go for it. but if you don't and somebody wants to give you hell for it, tell 'em to go find a new one.

and, if all that wasn't enough, go watch some amateur movies**. that oughta teach ya.


*whatever that means...

**google it yourself! {there's plenty out there...}

due to the differing schools of thought on pornography--amateur and pro--we made an executive decision not to link to explicitly pornographic sites from this blog. hm. that sounds like another post...

quickie!

darlings, please take a moment to visit scarleteen.

this site is perfect for curious tweens and preteens. think of it as the "birds & bees" convo your cool auntie gave you after your mother tried and failed--conveniently stashed online!

there's information on love, sex, std's and everything inbetween.

you can also find a permanent link in the more love sidebar.

sexy news

'tis the season...blissful gift ideas!

romantic comedies lead to unrealistic expectations...well, duh.

save your marriage with sensual massage!

...wonder if they'll toss that into this catholic tv show's lineup?

classic text the joy of sex is getting an overhaul.

sexy news

an interesting take on redheads, and an evenhanded response.

uk survey reveals disturbing teen sexual abuse trends

be happier or have more sex? hmmm...can't retirees have both?

hip hop = violence, now avatars = divorce, apparently.

living and loving