the roof garden

if you'd like to learn how sacred love/loving can enhance your life, check out adoration of the beloved.

rev. majadi baruti describes himself as an "afrikan goddess evangelist", and his insights on the divinity of woman are breathtaking.

listen now, thank us later.

wanna know more about polyamory?

here ya go!

while the article itself is centered around folks in boston, there's some good general information as well.

happy reading!

the wisdom in worship

I'm not a big believer of the worship of statues, but there's a beautiful symbolism to what I saw there, because a woman's heart is just like that. At the essence of every woman's heart is the divine feminine. It contains everything that has ever been beautiful, or lovely, or inspiring, in any woman, anywhere, at any time. The very essence of every woman's heart is the peak of wisdom, the peak of inspiration, the peak of sexual desirability, the peak of soothing, healing love. The peak of everything. But it's protected, for good reason, by a series of concentric walls. To move inwardly from one wall to the next requires that you intensify your capacity to devotion, and as you do so, you are rewarded with Grace. This is not something you can negotiate verbally with a woman. She doesn't even know consciously how to open those gates herself. They are opened magically and invisibly by the keys of worship.

read the rest here.

the black love crisis (7)

problem chylde uses a piece of sparkle's post to frame a statement on her personal journey towards a deeper understanding of perfect love.

keep cross-posting and talking, beloveds. let's open our hearts and minds so we can share in the abundance we all deserve.

the black love crisis (5)

the beautiful struggler does a good job of approaching the issue from a media savvy standpoint while noting the fact that only about 43% of black men are married {compared to about 42% of black women} without that being a "crisis" at all.

she also asks the question:

...why is it that while Black women have used these new media outlets as the opportunity to be self-reflective and discuss Black female issues, while our brothers seem more willing to write over and over again about what’s wrong with Black women or tell us how we can be good enough for them? I’m certainly not discounting the necessity of guy advice for women on dating men; girlfriends often give the worst “wisdom” to other women about what men want or need. But why does it seem that most online writings about the challenges facing Black love seem to have to do with what Black women are doing wrong? And while sisters are pushing back at Nightline, why aren’t we asking a little more from the brothers we interact with on a regular basis? Why aren’t we asking Black men to confront their demons, their issues and the things they have done that have contributed to the decline in Black love. [hyperlink added]

good questions, dontcha think?

tamara winfrey harris also deals with the media spin in her piece over at change.org:

And let's examine the high-achieving black woman marriage 'crisis,' the narrative that chafes me the most. This narrative harps on the fact that some professional black women have trouble finding partners, which puts a willfully negative spin on what could actually be a positive story. We're talking about high-achieving black women with academic and professional success, who also happen to be single and child-free. We could be wondering what's right with these women that allowed them to find success in a society where the odds are stacked against them. What can we learn from black girls, for instance, that can help us raise black boys to equal rates of education and success? Instead, we devote ink and film to discovering what's wrong with these women that they don't have an Mrs. to go with their PhDs.

would love to hear what y'all think, beloveds. see y'all in the comments section!

friends with benefits

thoughts? stories?

could spark some blissful journaling, hmm?

the black love crisis (2)

dr. cooper's huffington post article is about the best article we've seen thus far on the "single black woman crisis". why? for this:

At the same time, those Black women who make a concerted effort not to male bash, ever-attendant to the social plight of black men, begin the harsh internal dialogue about dealing with our daddy issues, confronting our self-esteem problems, conquering debt, accepting the fact that our stock might be lower because we have children, making sure we have the qualities of good submissive Biblical helpmeets. And the list goes on.

Rarely have I heard anyone say to Black men that they need to deal with their daddy issues, which they most assuredly have if the statistics on absentee fatherhood are even nominally true, or that they should confront their self-esteem problems, which plays out for them often through a range of unproductive, casual relationships. In both scenarios, Black women erroneously accept personal responsibility for what is ultimately a social problem, generations in the making.

she continues:

Third, let's seriously rethink our investments in a patriarchal gender role system that harms black families in multiple ways. Patriarchy makes women feel guilty for prioritizing careers alongside parenting and men feel less masculine for taking an active role in the home. It makes men feel insecure when women earn more money and causes women to overlook brothers who are good providers, perhaps not financially, but emotionally and parentally.

Patriarchy causes men to devalue the importance of being an emotional partner and companion, which is often what women who are financially and professionally secure desire in relationships.

which is a much better way of stating what we were getting at here. bravo, dr. cooper!

lola adesioye also chimed in, mirroring our own annoyance with the recent media blitz:

I am somewhat perturbed by the slew of stories on this topic. They are negative, unhelpful and only serve to perpetuate negative ideas about black men and women which often become self-fulfilling.

granted, there is some unexamined class stuff floating around here, driving home the paradoxical position of class in the black community.  both a dividing line and a life-jacket, class often separates us from one another while ensuring survival for others.

still, it's good to see folks challenging the growing image of the pitiful black professional woman.  keep at it, ladies!

the black love crisis*

we came across this gem on single black male via twitter**.

first, we'd like to applaud "veronica" and "bahama" for their comments. right on for illustrating the possibilities of a partnership model!

but the main question the blog raises is this: with all the things black folks have to work through in their intimate relationships - from within and without - is operating within these rigid gender roles really the ultimate way to repair our hearts and homes, particularly when those roles are not necessarily reflective of our original culture, values and history?

in this 21st century world where women are {blessedly} able to educate themselves to their heart's delight and pursue their ambitions while single or partnered, is it a bad thing that we need more in a partner/mate than the ability to bring home the bacon and "wear the pants"?  why aren't men doing more questioning around who they were taught to be? 

furthermore, when entering what we hope is meant to be an egalitarian, intimate relationship between two consenting adults, why are we ever concerned with who's leading who instead of discerning who has the necessary skills, gifts and life experience in a particular area, and working out their lives around that?

in case you missed the memo, sexism hurts us all.

when we subscribe to these sorts of rules, standards, and assumptions without question - and, even accounting for humor, the level of assumption here is simply astounding - followed by disdain for those who question that acceptance, we turn women into barefoot, pregnant portraits of intellectual and emotional frustration destined to couple with  preening, self-important peacocks of men convinced they have the right to the big piece of chicken {we kid} and to rule with an iron fist {not so funny}.

wouldn't it be a joy to couple with a focus on aligning minds, hearts and destinies? what would happen if we were allowed to be our whole selves, regardless of gender?

why not a world with nurturing, intellectually brilliant working mothers who will raise equally brilliant babies?  and there's certainly nothing wrong with a man who can routinely cook, clean, change a diaper and still put a righteous cap in someone's ass for stepping to his fam.

now, we are not denying that men and women are different. however, we do question the way these differences have been upheld and reinforced in societal contexts to the detriment of women and children, the unearned privilege inherent in maleness and masculine identification, and the artificial imposition of these {largely western european} norms on people of african descent.

beloveds: do what works for you. know what you need. learn to be the best partner you can be.  how much of a "woman" or "man" you are in the eyes of a culture with a dysfunctional lens in such matters should be the least of your worries.

if we can let the arbitrary notions go, maybe we'll all get a little closer to the love we deserve and make the world a little better in the process.


*considering all the recent lamentations around the state of black womanhood and the dismal prospects for {a particular definition of} black love in general, this may will become a series. every friday, we'll be posting "alternative" viewpoints on black love.  follow us on twitter to get the latest & greatest.

**this is not a blog we frequent, so this commentary isn't meant to be a damning indictment of all their content.  e.g., a quick search yielded this, so obviously the brothas have a sense of humor about themselves, too {questionable criteria for the "simp" and the "effeminate" notwithstanding...}.

quickie!

once again, bianca's dropping jewels in her newest article: "what do we know about open relationships?"

cheating. with yourself.

came across this lovely nugget of an article yesterday.  we'll wait while you go read.

...finished? well, allow me to retort.

WHAT??

Just imagining him there in his office on his own, it seemed like the ultimate act of desperation, something you'd only do if you didn't have a partner.

this? still? in 2010?

it's a safe bet that any adult in a long term relationship has had the "is porn cheating?" conversation. but a larger question is: why is fantasy that stays fantasy such a factor?

all things being equal, actual sex-with-someone-else infidelity can be a problem. from the physical ramifications {unplanned pregnancy, disease} to the emotional {loss of trust, stress}, the other partner can be seriously hurt by their mate's choices. not to mention that the process of getting physically--or even emotionally--involved with an outside partner while involved in a perceived-to-be monogamous relationship takes time and effort.

finding internet porn takes almost no effort at all. flashing back to a sexy memory doesn't take much, either.  and neither will give you herpes. 

so you relieve some stress, go home {or to sleep} happy, and everyone's...fine. kind of.

so when did monogamy come to mean colonization of the mind?  and why is masturbation still being coined an "act of desperation" instead of a teaching tool, self pleasure monitor, and/or shared sensual activity? 

oh, right.

well, at least there's a happy ending {pun intended}:

Colin assured Mia that his preference was to be with her and that masturbation was just an act of release when she wasn't around. "Then I showed her that this was something we could do together," Colin says.

Their sex life has improved, and the added benefit is that Mia no longer has to worry about why he's staying late at work. {emphasis added - this is often the difference between a fetish/attachment to porn and a bit of fun}

yay, mia!

here at the shack, one of our mantras is, "know your limits".  if porn is gross, that's ok.  if you consider it cheating, that's ok, too.

our hope, though, is that you will deeply examine how and why you have those attitudes.  question them.  hold them up to the light.  then determine whether or not they're worth holding on to.

sexy news

so where are all the scandalous women? alternet seeks answers.

single and "of a certain age"? check out this newsweek article.

empowerher gives some suggestions for making a toast to love in 2010.

you can't buy love, but apparently you can choose it. agree or disagree?

quickie!

beyond marriage.org.  because it's time to shift the paradigm.

{thanks to nueva_voz for the link}

giving up...is hard to do...

over the weekend, a friend told your author that he was "giving up" on black women. 

you've heard the reasons why--too many issues, too much pain.

the most interesting part of the conversation was when he referenced a conversation with a white woman.  apparently, she assumed he already only dated white women because, in her view, it would be difficult for him to find a black woman who shared his interests, tastes in music, aesthetic, etc.  

which got the wheels turning.  where do all the "different" black women go to find love?

in the hierarchy of difference, men of all races are hailed as trailblazers and mavericks when they flout convention and do their own thing. brothas can certainly be chastised for doing things outside of "real man" parameters or for not being "black enough", but that probably won't deplete their dating pool, only shift the demographic.

right underneath men on the dare-to-be-different scale are white women.  yes, there are the effects of sexism and the pressure of embodying (or not) the epitome of beauty in a culture founded on the notion of white supremacy.  white women are indeed asked to fit into many boxes.

but, because of their whiteness, they are also allowed to break free from--or are not as heavily penalized for ignoring--those boxes in a way that colored women have to seriously think about.  again, being seen as different, weird, or a glowstick carrier does not impact a white woman's dating choices.  just shifts the demographic.

and then we have the quirky black ladies: uniquely minded black women who, typically, do not have asian and white men knocking down their doors, nor do we go looking for them. 

all too often, open minded sistas can become exhibits, fascinations; lofty empresses solely responsible for the evolution (or failure) of their kingmen.  in other words, this is the realm where having locs and enjoying bacon is not allowed.

does the goddess-loving black woman have a fully present, reflective partner who shares her interests and dreams?  does the long-loc'ed empress have a mate who doesn't hide his affections behind some palatable, pretty form of patriarchy?  are there men she doesn't need to minister to, but who can fall in step and meet her where she is?

...and if she does, has he already "given up" on finding her?

does any of it even matter?

intimacy vs. commitment

couldn't get this to sound sweet enough to post it here, so, if you like, hop on over to the personal space for some thoughts on what happens when commitment shows up without intimacy.

the word

today's word comes from the ethical slut: a practical guide to polyamory, open relationships & other adventures by dossie easton and janet w. hardy.

We dream of a world where no one is driven by desires they have no hope of fulfilling, where no one suffers from shame for their desires, or embarrassment about their dreams, where no one is starving from lack of sex. We dream of a world where no one is limited by rules that dictate that they must be less of a person, and less of a sexual person, than they have the capacity to be.

We dream of a world where nobody gets to vote on your life choices, or who you choose to love, or how you choose to express that love, except yourself and your lovers. We dream of a time and a place where we will all be free to publicly declare our love, for whoever we love, however we love them.

And may we all look forward to a lifetime of dreams come true.

and let the ch'uch say...

quickie!

not quite back in the swing, but had to share this with y'all: sensual marriage counseling for kenyan women...

an excellent and empowering way to help keep hubbies at home with their families.

sexy news

another protestant split on the horizon? lutherans debating possibility of gay clergy...

let's all show the condom some love. {for the latex sensitive, oyin has done some footwork for you}

hiv is tragic for an asian family...

a therapist offers some tips for life after divorce.

sexism hurts us all.

at first, your dear proprietress was quite skeptical about the delights of twitter, but she's discovered that people are always posting the most thought provoking things...

tonight, there was this list.

now, while there were some cringe-worthy moments {see: #9's quote and most of #10} it's not too bad. much of this list details the basics of just about any healthy relationship between two people.

that said, *unsheathes claws*...

it's understood that the blog is geared towards women, but targeting this list solely at the wife raises an eyebrow. why not just "how to superglue a marriage", period?

it also would have been nice to find something in the introductory paragraph like, "...and, husbands, don't forget to do this with your wives!" vs. the straight-outta-cosmo, "Below are 20 ways to help you superglue your marriage, and to stay your man’s number one choice." hell, if more men learned to do those same 20 things, more marriages would indeed be superglued, right?

this whole thing put us in mind of this list, which some of you may have seen floating around the internet. there are glimmers of it within the "20 ways", but let's give the author the benefit of the doubt and assume that even she would find the postwar do's and don'ts a bit extreme.

however, both raise similar issues.

at worst, making women the primary scapegoats for what happens in their marriages and other intimate relationships--covertly or overtly--is one of the most salient ways sexism/sexist ideology harms those relationships. it can also serve as a justification for intimate violence.

given the social and cultural cues that most men are raised with and/or absorb in this culture, adding the idea that men are infallible pillars of authority and dominance is dangerous. and for anyone who knows what anti-oppression work looks like, the whole shebang is full of questionable power dynamics {refusing sex "works both ways", but this list doesn't??}.

at best--which, in this case, basically amounts to the non-abusive manifestation--men act out a false sense of superiority and wind up alone, wondering why they can't find a "good woman". women that tire of being single can often shut down and stifle significant parts of themselves to "make it work".

no one is always right.
no one is always wrong.

if the "20 ways" work for you and yours, great! goodness knows we've used a tactic or five. plus, the whole site is obviously targeted towards a demographic a bit dissimilar {ok. probably on the other side of the street...} from the one we cater to here at the shack. we can agree to disagree.

but, ultimately, love's gotta be a 2-way street, and any relationship lacking reciprocity is an unnecessary drain of energy, light and bliss.

quickie!

erotique press speaks on the value of dating younger men.

do what you will with that nugget of joy.

triflin' ass love songs

there have always been some "love" songs that skirt the edges (or jump a good 6-7 feet over the line) of propriety. here are a few that come to mind, from the mildly offensive to outright blatant hussiness.


5. joe, "all the things your man won't do". although this breaks with the old school vibe we were aiming for, a paramour deemed him worthy 'cause, "he's always tryin to be somebody's side piece". so here you go!




4. billy paul, "me & mrs jones". and they don't sound young, either...shameful!




3. luther ingram, "(if loving you is wrong) i don't wanna be right". lots of remakes on this one, but it seems mr. ingram performed the definitive version. either way, this has to be the most doomed affair on the planet. even the parents are against it. awful.




2. atlantic starr, "secret lovers". they know they're wrong, and the duet factor brings the trife level close to perfection. but, there is one that tops them all...




1. shirley murdock, "as we lay". 'nuff said.




and a couple of honorable mentions to...

the isley brothers, f. chante moore & r. kelly, "contagious". the justification factor isn't there, but the operatic skit? "low down dirty woman / back to where you come from"? trife. something nice: it is arguably one of the few times the isleys tried a "hip" sound that didn't sound utterly ridiculous.





pleasure p, "boyfriend number 2". this is a new single, so it's apparent that the youngbloods are keeping the traditions alive. but the stage name? i can't.

also see: "i love your girl".