not quite back in the swing, but had to share this with y'all: sensual marriage counseling for kenyan women...
an excellent and empowering way to help keep hubbies at home with their families.
10.12.2009
9.27.2009
9.26.2009
the essence of a jump off
recently, essence magazine had a brotha by the name of jozen cummings blog on their it's a man's world site.
a greek 9.com forum post thankfully retained the original text before it was removed from essence's site:
now, while the term "jump off" is pretty lame in and of itself, where does he get off making the rules for everyone? is this a college primer, or is this for grown folks?
the whole tone of the post implies that the woman is cluelessly getting off, while the man is jumping through all sorts of hoops to maintain the air of casual sex--since everyone knows we're wholly incapable of initiating, maintaining, or controlling that sort of relationship on our own terms, right? right.
one of the strengths of the ethical slut is its near-mantra that productive, healthy sexual freedom is all about everyone being on the same page. that involves real communication and understanding, no matter how basic the interaction. invite someone to bed more than once, and some conversation's gonna have to come in there somewhere.
put another way, there's nothing wrong with jump offs, friends with benefits, and the like. but no one needs or deserves the sort of blatantly patronizing mess jozen is upholding here.
...and that's just the sex part.
how about the fact that this is essence magazine, which is supposed to provide inspiring, loving messages and images to sistas who rarely get them anywhere else.* to have this posted in a space where it is presumed that our men would be speaking to us as loving, conscious partners, lovers and brothers makes it all the more unforgivable.
if these are the "unfiltered perspectives on dating and relationships" of 20-30something black men, then i see why they're single.
i'm not angry at jozen, per se. i am not aware of any of his other work and never heard of him until now. but if he could write this with a straight face, then he's clearly doing what he's been taught to do when it concerns women who are perceived as being less valuable sexually. conversely, he's also keeping the fellas dancing around all the intimacy and emotional issues they are already forced to deny and suppress in so many ways.
it's an upholding of the status quo.
still, i would love for him to learn a little more about womanist/feminist theory and the fullness of deeply actualized, total womanhood before he deigns to comment on such matters.
addendum: jo nubian has chimed in on this as well...
*although it's worth mentioning that the heterosexist, euro-aesthetized {where are the clearly nappy headed sistas vs. the straw set/good hair "naturals"??} and judeo-christianized environment leaves out a lot of sistas, too. many of us have either never expected essence to speak for us or left that mold long ago.
a greek 9.com forum post thankfully retained the original text before it was removed from essence's site:
The Truth About Jump Offs
[original url: http://blog.essence.com/itsamansworld/2009/09/the-truth-about-jump-offs.html]
Welcome to ESSENCE.com's new blog where real men sound off on dating and relationships. Writer and editor Jozen Cummings kicks things off.
It may seem like there is no easier arrangement than the one between a man and his jump-off. Friends with benefits always have to be friends first. Ex-lovers we sleep with from time to time, always come with the drama of a relationship past. But jump-off is the burden free title; there are no ex-jump-offs, no friends-as-jump-offs. Just the jump-off, a woman we sleep with until we’re tired of sleeping with them, or, God forbid, they’re tired of sleeping with us.
Yet, here’s the truth: A jump-off situation takes as much maintenance as any other relationship we have with women. There are things men must do to keep our jump-off happy, and though it may seem like we don’t care about a jump-off, ladies, we care. You’re our jump-off and we wouldn’t want to do anything to mess that up, now would we? In order to ensure this doesn’t happen, I’ve written a list of things men must do to keep a jump-off, well, a jump-off and though it may seem short, it’s no less difficult.
Put It Down: In order to have the privilege of being able to just have sex with a woman — to not have to take her out to eat, or even in public for that matter — we must, at all times, fulfill all her sexual desires. A woman doesn’t want to be a jump-off, even when she knows she is, so how do we change her attitude? We make love to her so good she feels like she’s in an R&B video.
No Favors: Even if a man has a flat tire and a dead cell phone right in front of his jump-off’s residence, he knows he cannot, under any circumstances, ask his jump-off to use her phone. If she notices we’re stranded and asks if we need help, we must lie and say we don’t. It should be said, I hate this rule.
I’m On Her Time: Sex with a jump-off is never scheduled in advance, that’s what dates are for. So when a jump-off says she can’t do it at say the reasonable hour of 10 p.m., but she can do it later, at the unreasonable hour of 2 a.m., oh well. Two o’clock am it is, which makes the next and last rule so difficult.
No Spending the Night at the Jump-off’s Place: If we do decide to roll in at 2 am, we must also be willing to roll out at 4 am (or in some cases, 2:30 am), which is hard because it’s late, and we’re tired too.
So you see, ladies? We care very much about those of you we call our jump-off. I know it may not seem like it, given the title, but trust, we know when a jump-off feels good, we feel good too.
now, while the term "jump off" is pretty lame in and of itself, where does he get off making the rules for everyone? is this a college primer, or is this for grown folks?
the whole tone of the post implies that the woman is cluelessly getting off, while the man is jumping through all sorts of hoops to maintain the air of casual sex--since everyone knows we're wholly incapable of initiating, maintaining, or controlling that sort of relationship on our own terms, right? right.
one of the strengths of the ethical slut is its near-mantra that productive, healthy sexual freedom is all about everyone being on the same page. that involves real communication and understanding, no matter how basic the interaction. invite someone to bed more than once, and some conversation's gonna have to come in there somewhere.
put another way, there's nothing wrong with jump offs, friends with benefits, and the like. but no one needs or deserves the sort of blatantly patronizing mess jozen is upholding here.
...and that's just the sex part.
how about the fact that this is essence magazine, which is supposed to provide inspiring, loving messages and images to sistas who rarely get them anywhere else.* to have this posted in a space where it is presumed that our men would be speaking to us as loving, conscious partners, lovers and brothers makes it all the more unforgivable.
if these are the "unfiltered perspectives on dating and relationships" of 20-30something black men, then i see why they're single.
i'm not angry at jozen, per se. i am not aware of any of his other work and never heard of him until now. but if he could write this with a straight face, then he's clearly doing what he's been taught to do when it concerns women who are perceived as being less valuable sexually. conversely, he's also keeping the fellas dancing around all the intimacy and emotional issues they are already forced to deny and suppress in so many ways.
it's an upholding of the status quo.
still, i would love for him to learn a little more about womanist/feminist theory and the fullness of deeply actualized, total womanhood before he deigns to comment on such matters.
addendum: jo nubian has chimed in on this as well...
*although it's worth mentioning that the heterosexist, euro-aesthetized {where are the clearly nappy headed sistas vs. the straw set/good hair "naturals"??} and judeo-christianized environment leaves out a lot of sistas, too. many of us have either never expected essence to speak for us or left that mold long ago.
9.25.2009
in search of a powerful eroticism - a digression
typically your proprietress doesn't link to the more personal side of things, but thought this might warrant an exception.
my personal deconstruction of audre lorde's essay "the uses of the erotic" has been on my mind as i navigate a plethora of emotions related to personal healing and transition.
i invite you to read and discuss--either here or on the original post.
read mama audre's essay in full and be open about how the erotic is working in your life. in my humble opinion, this is a conversation that black women--indeed, all women--still need to have, both within their spirits and with those they love.
if it's still too much to discuss aloud, you might want to make it the focus of a journal entry or prayer/incantation.
here's to the promise of ephiphany...
ankh, wedja, seneb
*note: there are some broken links; the karmic connection blog no longer exists.
my personal deconstruction of audre lorde's essay "the uses of the erotic" has been on my mind as i navigate a plethora of emotions related to personal healing and transition.
i invite you to read and discuss--either here or on the original post.
read mama audre's essay in full and be open about how the erotic is working in your life. in my humble opinion, this is a conversation that black women--indeed, all women--still need to have, both within their spirits and with those they love.
if it's still too much to discuss aloud, you might want to make it the focus of a journal entry or prayer/incantation.
here's to the promise of ephiphany...
ankh, wedja, seneb
*note: there are some broken links; the karmic connection blog no longer exists.
9.17.2009
the moon is almost new...
since mercury's in retrograde, you may want to hold off on starting anything completely new {and you definitely don't wanna buy that new flat screen...}, but a new moon is always a good time to take a deep breath and start over.
remember you can always see what's happening with the moon in the sidebar.
happy gazing!
remember you can always see what's happening with the moon in the sidebar.
happy gazing!
9.08.2009
sexy spicy love magic
racialicious is one of our favorite spots to hang out, but this post is one after our own heart.
from ms plaid's razor sharp analysis to her brief but poignant observation on using "voodoo" in vain, we couldn't agree more.
here's a sample:
go on and read the rest here.
stay woke, y'all.
from ms plaid's razor sharp analysis to her brief but poignant observation on using "voodoo" in vain, we couldn't agree more.
here's a sample:
Comparatively speaking, race play has an unvarnished honesty about it; this particular organization and its programs work with some racial disingenuousness under the guise of integration, of wanting to “make everyone ”comfortable” so they can fulfill their “wildest fantasies.” I’m not sure about who exactly is supposed to be “everyone” because, even though the site may be open to different sexual and gender identities, the majority of photos on the site are of white people or very, very light-skinned PoCs. And just saying you want PoCs to join doesn’t make the wish so, especially when the pictures and texts say a thousand contradictory and uncomfortable things.
go on and read the rest here.
stay woke, y'all.
9.07.2009
...and a piggyback
speaking of the collaborative creative efforts of women, check out goddesses rising. you'll be better off for it.
~:~ love & sugar! ~:~
~:~ love & sugar! ~:~
9.06.2009
quickie!
just discovered the cliterati.
if the name isn't delicious enough, the blog is full of information written by several brilliant women. what more could you want?
if the name isn't delicious enough, the blog is full of information written by several brilliant women. what more could you want?
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