giving up...is hard to do...

over the weekend, a friend told your author that he was "giving up" on black women. 

you've heard the reasons why--too many issues, too much pain.

the most interesting part of the conversation was when he referenced a conversation with a white woman.  apparently, she assumed he already only dated white women because, in her view, it would be difficult for him to find a black woman who shared his interests, tastes in music, aesthetic, etc.  

which got the wheels turning.  where do all the "different" black women go to find love?

in the hierarchy of difference, men of all races are hailed as trailblazers and mavericks when they flout convention and do their own thing. brothas can certainly be chastised for doing things outside of "real man" parameters or for not being "black enough", but that probably won't deplete their dating pool, only shift the demographic.

right underneath men on the dare-to-be-different scale are white women.  yes, there are the effects of sexism and the pressure of embodying (or not) the epitome of beauty in a culture founded on the notion of white supremacy.  white women are indeed asked to fit into many boxes.

but, because of their whiteness, they are also allowed to break free from--or are not as heavily penalized for ignoring--those boxes in a way that colored women have to seriously think about.  again, being seen as different, weird, or a glowstick carrier does not impact a white woman's dating choices.  just shifts the demographic.

and then we have the quirky black ladies: uniquely minded black women who, typically, do not have asian and white men knocking down their doors, nor do we go looking for them. 

all too often, open minded sistas can become exhibits, fascinations; lofty empresses solely responsible for the evolution (or failure) of their kingmen.  in other words, this is the realm where having locs and enjoying bacon is not allowed.

does the goddess-loving black woman have a fully present, reflective partner who shares her interests and dreams?  does the long-loc'ed empress have a mate who doesn't hide his affections behind some palatable, pretty form of patriarchy?  are there men she doesn't need to minister to, but who can fall in step and meet her where she is?

...and if she does, has he already "given up" on finding her?

does any of it even matter?

intimacy vs. commitment

couldn't get this to sound sweet enough to post it here, so, if you like, hop on over to the personal space for some thoughts on what happens when commitment shows up without intimacy.

in the waiting room...

alicia myers / one way
"if you play your cards right"

something on your mind
i feel it every time i'm with you
it's what you like to do, something i like, too
let's get it tight

if you play your cards right
everything will be alright with me
if you play your cards right
everything will be alright with me

you won't have to hide what you feel inside
can't be afraid to talk to me
love is guaranteed
you play them right with me and you will see

if you play your cards right
everything will be alright with me
if you play your cards right
everything will be alright with me

{repeat chorus / ad lib to fade}

the word

today's word comes from the ethical slut: a practical guide to polyamory, open relationships & other adventures by dossie easton and janet w. hardy.

We dream of a world where no one is driven by desires they have no hope of fulfilling, where no one suffers from shame for their desires, or embarrassment about their dreams, where no one is starving from lack of sex. We dream of a world where no one is limited by rules that dictate that they must be less of a person, and less of a sexual person, than they have the capacity to be.

We dream of a world where nobody gets to vote on your life choices, or who you choose to love, or how you choose to express that love, except yourself and your lovers. We dream of a time and a place where we will all be free to publicly declare our love, for whoever we love, however we love them.

And may we all look forward to a lifetime of dreams come true.

and let the ch'uch say...

quickie!

not quite back in the swing, but had to share this with y'all: sensual marriage counseling for kenyan women...

an excellent and empowering way to help keep hubbies at home with their families.

quickie!

if you haven't heard of sara kruzan, you need to.

the essence of a jump off

recently, essence magazine had a brotha by the name of jozen cummings blog on their it's a man's world site.

a greek 9.com forum post thankfully retained the original text before it was removed from essence's site:

The Truth About Jump Offs
[original url: http://blog.essence.com/itsamansworld/2009/09/the-truth-about-jump-offs.html]

Welcome to ESSENCE.com's new blog where real men sound off on dating and relationships. Writer and editor Jozen Cummings kicks things off.

It may seem like there is no easier arrangement than the one between a man and his jump-off. Friends with benefits always have to be friends first. Ex-lovers we sleep with from time to time, always come with the drama of a relationship past. But jump-off is the burden free title; there are no ex-jump-offs, no friends-as-jump-offs. Just the jump-off, a woman we sleep with until we’re tired of sleeping with them, or, God forbid, they’re tired of sleeping with us.

Yet, here’s the truth: A jump-off situation takes as much maintenance as any other relationship we have with women. There are things men must do to keep our jump-off happy, and though it may seem like we don’t care about a jump-off, ladies, we care. You’re our jump-off and we wouldn’t want to do anything to mess that up, now would we? In order to ensure this doesn’t happen, I’ve written a list of things men must do to keep a jump-off, well, a jump-off and though it may seem short, it’s no less difficult.

Put It Down: In order to have the privilege of being able to just have sex with a woman — to not have to take her out to eat, or even in public for that matter — we must, at all times, fulfill all her sexual desires. A woman doesn’t want to be a jump-off, even when she knows she is, so how do we change her attitude? We make love to her so good she feels like she’s in an R&B video.

No Favors: Even if a man has a flat tire and a dead cell phone right in front of his jump-off’s residence, he knows he cannot, under any circumstances, ask his jump-off to use her phone. If she notices we’re stranded and asks if we need help, we must lie and say we don’t. It should be said, I hate this rule.

I’m On Her Time: Sex with a jump-off is never scheduled in advance, that’s what dates are for. So when a jump-off says she can’t do it at say the reasonable hour of 10 p.m., but she can do it later, at the unreasonable hour of 2 a.m., oh well. Two o’clock am it is, which makes the next and last rule so difficult.

No Spending the Night at the Jump-off’s Place: If we do decide to roll in at 2 am, we must also be willing to roll out at 4 am (or in some cases, 2:30 am), which is hard because it’s late, and we’re tired too.

So you see, ladies? We care very much about those of you we call our jump-off. I know it may not seem like it, given the title, but trust, we know when a jump-off feels good, we feel good too.

now, while the term "jump off" is pretty lame in and of itself, where does he get off making the rules for everyone?  is this a college primer, or is this for grown folks?

the whole tone of the post implies that the woman is cluelessly getting off, while the man is jumping through all sorts of hoops to maintain the air of casual sex--since everyone knows we're wholly incapable of initiating, maintaining, or controlling that sort of relationship on our own terms, right?  right.

one of the strengths of the ethical slut is its near-mantra that productive, healthy sexual freedom is all about everyone being on the same page. that involves real communication and understanding, no matter how basic the interaction. invite someone to bed more than once, and some conversation's gonna have to come in there somewhere.

put another way, there's nothing wrong with jump offs, friends with benefits, and the like. but no one needs or deserves the sort of blatantly patronizing mess jozen is upholding here.

...and that's just the sex part.

how about the fact that this is essence magazine, which is supposed to provide inspiring, loving messages and images to sistas who rarely get them anywhere else.*  to have this posted in a space where it is presumed that our men would be speaking to us as loving, conscious partners, lovers and brothers makes it all the more unforgivable. 

if these are the "unfiltered perspectives on dating and relationships" of 20-30something black men, then i see why they're single.

i'm not angry at jozen, per se.  i am not aware of any of his other work and never heard of him until now.  but if he could write this with a straight face, then he's clearly doing what he's been taught to do when it concerns women who are perceived as being less valuable sexually. conversely, he's also keeping the fellas dancing around all the intimacy and emotional issues they are already forced to deny and suppress in so many ways.

it's an upholding of the status quo.

still, i would love for him to learn a little more about womanist/feminist theory and the fullness of deeply actualized, total womanhood before he deigns to comment on such matters.


addendum: jo nubian has chimed in on this as well...


*although it's worth mentioning that the heterosexist, euro-aesthetized {where are the clearly nappy headed sistas vs. the straw set/good hair "naturals"??} and judeo-christianized environment leaves out a lot of sistas, too. many of us have either never expected essence to speak for us or left that mold long ago.

in search of a powerful eroticism - a digression

typically your proprietress doesn't link to the more personal side of things, but thought this might warrant an exception.

my personal deconstruction of audre lorde's essay "the uses of the erotic" has been on my mind as i navigate a plethora of emotions related to personal healing and transition.

i invite you to read and discuss--either here or on the original post.

read mama audre's essay in full and be open about how the erotic is working in your life. in my humble opinion, this is a conversation that black women--indeed, all women--still need to have, both within their spirits and with those they love.

if it's still too much to discuss aloud, you might want to make it the focus of a journal entry or prayer/incantation.

here's to the promise of ephiphany...

ankh, wedja, seneb


*note: there are some broken links; the karmic connection blog no longer exists.

yes, yes, a thousand times yes!

you must read this!

the moon is almost new...

since mercury's in retrograde, you may want to hold off on starting anything completely new {and you definitely don't wanna buy that new flat screen...}, but a new moon is always a good time to take a deep breath and start over.

remember you can always see what's happening with the moon in the sidebar.

happy gazing!