quickie!

now we can add the linger mint to the list of things that are wrong with your vagina!

you know, besides the fact that you have one of those icky things in the first place.

and, here comes a collective sigh in 3...2...1...

when sex becomes offensive

{note: slight trigger warning. no graphic content, but discussion of sex offense laws & news articles follow}

well. here's a complex issue for ya...

i think we can all agree on the need to protect folks from pedophiles and rapists. but the lack of nuance in some sex offender laws is in need of examination.

for instance, should ALL statutory rape cases be covered, or only those that are actually non-consensual and/or involve a pattern of behavior? cases like this one are popping up all over the country.

"sexting" is another problematic area. by no means are we condoning bullying or saying it's ok for teens to harm each other sexually, but facing the possibility of being labeled a lifelong "sex offender" over the 21st century version of a slambook is, at the very least, extreme.

so, what's the answer?

do we add this to the long list of reasons comprehensive sex education is sorely needed? 

are we, as usual, using a sledgehammer to hang a portrait? asking the wrong questions? 

if we dealt fully and well with the issue of childhood sexual abuse and abusive behavior in general, how many pedophiles/rapists could we avoid creating? 

the word

drawing, once again, from bell hooks' sisters of the yam:

black women are often more passionate in our rage and suffering than we are in our loving.  the energy that we bring to situations that arouse hostility or pain can easily be redirected. we can tell ourselves daily to direct our most intense feeling to those areas of our lives that bring pleasure and delight.  to achieve this end we need to write ourselves many recipes for tuning into healing erotic power and put them in a box so that when we see our energies going toward anger or suffering we can take a recipe from the box and follow it.

the word

bell hooks' sisters of the yam should be part of our personal scriptures. today's word is among the reasons why:

clearly, if black women want to be about the business of collective self-healing, we have to be about the business of inventing all manner of images and representations that show us the way we want to be and are. within white-supremacist patriarchal society, it is very difficult to find life affirming images of black femaleness.

...i was shocked by how difficult it is to find representations of us where our features were not crudely distorted or exaggerated. i was dismayed by how many paintings showed us without eyes, or noses, or mouths. and i began to wonder if these body parts are "forgotten" because they takes [sic] us into the realm of the senses. the problem that i encountered was not a dearth of imagery, but a lack of appealing imagery. [emphasis added]

in the waiting room...

"dealing"
eric roberson feat. lalah hathaway

Where do we go from here
What do I do with these feelings
Longing to have you near
Knowing...we shouldn't be dealing

Verse:
Why must the bad thing always feel so good
Why cant I just stay away
Though are situation was understood
Still does not mean its ok

{Chorus}
Where do we go from here
What do I do with these feelings
Longing to have you near
Knowing...we shouldn't be dealing

Verse:
Why cant these memories just be erased
Why must I yearn for your kiss
The first moment we're not face to face
Reminds me how much your missed

{Chrous}
(where do we go) Where do we go from here
What do I do with these feelings
Longing to have you near
Knowing...we shouldn't be dealing

{Bridge}
When the morning comes
(When its time for us to go our separate ways )
When this night is done
(I'll be wanting to hold on to u)
Though the sun
wish we could push it all away
cause then will know
that we can show
what we have from the day

{Chorus}
Where do we go from here
What do I do with these feelings
Longing to have you near
Knowing...we shouldn't be dealing

love for haiti / amor pour ayiti

yanvalou dance from haiti...celebrating the rada nation



to learn more about how you can help haiti, see the help haiti/aidez ayiti section that's been added to the sidebar at the top left of the screen.  

vive l'ayiti! l'union fait la force!

the word

today's word comes from poetess extraordinaire, nikki giovanni:

the butterfly

those things
which you so laughingly call 
hands are in fact two 
brown butterflies fluttering 
across the pleasure 
they give 
my body 

[21 feb 71]

be a g, redux

looks like the daily beast has chimed in on the alleged g spot controversy.

we'll just quote the illustrious lady bi on this one:

i'm SO over this g-spot research stuff. i get why it may matter to some docs, but why do we always have to theorize/pathologize our pleasure? when will we realize our bodies are not all the same and get over it? if we find pleasure in our bodies in ways docs don't understand, good!

blaming the victim in dubai

disclaimer: we understand the sun is essentially britain's equivalent to the new york post, and that the reporting here is filled with almost as many "-isms" as the story itself.

but this incident is so indicative of the ways in which kyriarchy and the repression of full and healthy sexuality hurts everyone while simultaneously empowering dangerous, pathological behavior that we had to share.

A British [cis] woman on a break in Dubai went to police after being raped - but SHE was arrested for having illegal sex.

The 23-year-old Londoner was attacked by a waiter in a hotel toilet after celebrating her engagement to her boyfriend with drinks.

But after she admitted boozing and sharing a hotel room with her fiancé, cops in the strict Islamic state arrested her for "illegal drinking" outside licensed premises and having sex outside marriage.

Her 44-year-old fiancé, also from London, was charged with the same offences. And both were thrown in police cells by officers who paid little heed to the rape. [note added - presumed due to noted fear of pregnancy]

plus, you'd think people of faith would be more compassionate to the suffering of others, not to mention fully devoted to the overall uplift of those who carry the future of the culture, i.e., the feminine principle.

but that's a whole other conversation.

cheating. with yourself.

came across this lovely nugget of an article yesterday.  we'll wait while you go read.

...finished? well, allow me to retort.

WHAT??

Just imagining him there in his office on his own, it seemed like the ultimate act of desperation, something you'd only do if you didn't have a partner.

this? still? in 2010?

it's a safe bet that any adult in a long term relationship has had the "is porn cheating?" conversation. but a larger question is: why is fantasy that stays fantasy such a factor?

all things being equal, actual sex-with-someone-else infidelity can be a problem. from the physical ramifications {unplanned pregnancy, disease} to the emotional {loss of trust, stress}, the other partner can be seriously hurt by their mate's choices. not to mention that the process of getting physically--or even emotionally--involved with an outside partner while involved in a perceived-to-be monogamous relationship takes time and effort.

finding internet porn takes almost no effort at all. flashing back to a sexy memory doesn't take much, either.  and neither will give you herpes. 

so you relieve some stress, go home {or to sleep} happy, and everyone's...fine. kind of.

so when did monogamy come to mean colonization of the mind?  and why is masturbation still being coined an "act of desperation" instead of a teaching tool, self pleasure monitor, and/or shared sensual activity? 

oh, right.

well, at least there's a happy ending {pun intended}:

Colin assured Mia that his preference was to be with her and that masturbation was just an act of release when she wasn't around. "Then I showed her that this was something we could do together," Colin says.

Their sex life has improved, and the added benefit is that Mia no longer has to worry about why he's staying late at work. {emphasis added - this is often the difference between a fetish/attachment to porn and a bit of fun}

yay, mia!

here at the shack, one of our mantras is, "know your limits".  if porn is gross, that's ok.  if you consider it cheating, that's ok, too.

our hope, though, is that you will deeply examine how and why you have those attitudes.  question them.  hold them up to the light.  then determine whether or not they're worth holding on to.